All alone in the crowd

Do you know the feeling when you know you have great friends and family but you still feel really lonely in this big big world? I do. Really well. Sometimes I try to reach out to my friends, but everyone’s just too busy to meet me and I start to wonder: what happened? What happened to all those people who where so close to me throughout the years? It’s really sad, but I could make a quite long list of people that I considered one one my best friends for longer period of times, but time by time I just always have to realise that they are gone. And not because we had a fight or don’t like each other anymore, we just slowly grew apart, and they disappeared. And the worst thing is, that I always feel that I am the only one who’s trying to keep the friendship alive, the one who’s contacting the others, but with time I always get tired – who wants to seek someone’s attention who just doesn’t care? Repeated refusal and ignorance from someone who’s dear to your heart can be really painful after a time. I always decide, that I’m not going to be the reacher, the seeker next time, but I can’t help it – if I love someone (as a friend) and feel like I’ll loose them, of course I am willing to make an effort to keep them. But it always seems that it’s not worth it. So these times, like today always make me think: what about my friends now? How long are they going to stay in my life? Is there anyone, for whom I’m just as important? Is there really someone who cares? I don’t know the answers honestly, and it makes me scared and sad at the same time.

ImageSo what do I do? What I always do: plug my earphones in, turn on the music (Ludovico, just to be exact) and turn off the world and go to that place, my place, by the lake in the city park, which is just about 15 minutes walk from home. I go and just sit there for hours – this place somehow lets me think clearly – I don’t know why but here I can be really honest with myself and all my deepest, hidden thoughts and emotions come to the surface. I usually long for someone to talk to, but an outsider maybe, because even though I love and trust my friends, but I don’t think I could be this honest with any of them. I always imagine someone sitting on the next bench, someone my age with whom I can start talking – and then we both go home and bring all the things said with us.But this has never happened, and I don’t think it ever will – but… who knows?

Anyway, as I was walking through the park, I realised that I’ll have to get used to this feeling, beacuse in Taiwan, I think I’ll have a lot of occasions like this: just me, music blasting in my ears, my camera – in an enormous city, surrounded by millions of people, but still alone. Aaand that’s another critical, frightening question of my life, about which I could write for hours – but not this time.

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