Sometimes I just feel like it’s too much. I was watching Skins this afternoon when I heard my parents fighting and shouting – again. This is sadly quite common here at home nowadays, and I usually try to convince myself that I’m already used to it, but I just had to realise again, that I am not. And they were fighting again about Taiwan and financial issues – sensitive topics. And after all this fussing, and being so scared of loosing him because of this 9 months in Taiwan, I’m starting to feel that I don’t want to go at all. It’d probably be better for everyone, so much easier, but I can’t change my mind now – I’ve already signed the papers.
And somewhere I know, that it wouldn’t be a wise decision anyway, because it’s a great opportunity and if I back out everytime I have to do something real, big and scary, I’d go nowhere in life. But still, is it worth it? Am I strong enough? I have never in my life lived alone, so how would I know if I can do it in an unknown country with totally different culture, more than 8000 kms from home?
Anyaways, I was really fed up with everything, already felt the tears burning my eyes, so I just stormed out of the apartment without saying anything to my parents. It might not seem like a big deal but I have never done this before, I always tell them where I go or at least that I go out, and say goodbye. But I left without a word and there was no reaction. I was expecting my father asking from the livingroom where I was gonna go when he heard me putting on my shoes and the keys, or a call after I was out, but there was nothing. Again, it’s not a big deal but it was unusual and surprised me.
It was no question, where I headed. It was one of my hardest moments nowadays. As I was just walking towards the lake, I felt so angry. Angry because my mom behaved irresponsible and thus played with my feelings, because my father is so stubborn and doesn’t ever really consider and listen to our opinions and because I felt really… impotent and powerless and horribly scared of loosing him. I sat down right beside the lake and the only thing I could think about was that I wished he was there with me at the moment. He seemed to be the only thing I wanted to “run” to, the one and only who I felt could calm me right now. But I didn’t want to call him or message him, because I didn’t want to complain, especially when I knew he had a lot to study – so why bother him with my problems? And that was when he messaged me asking about how I was.
And then I realised: how could I expect people to help me and be there for me if I don’t tell anyone the problem? And who should I tell if not him – I know he really does care and I trust him, so… So I told him how horrible I felt and what happend and he was so understanding. He immadiately offered to come over, and even though I refused the offer, it meant a lot to me. I knew it would have taken him about an hour to get here when he had to study and his grandma visited them as well – but he didn’t think about that and would have come over just to be there for me when I needed him. And as may times I felt so damn lucky to have him, really. We messaged through viber and even though he wasn’t there physically, it was just like it. Talking with him calmed me down and made me feel that everything’s gonna be okay. He was like the only shelter I wanted and could run to and… I can’t really put it into words. I am just thankful.