Fitness takes over controll

Every time I am going through some tough things emotionally, I find myself puttin all my energy into fitness again, focusing on eating clean and healthy and having the tougher and tougher killer workouts everyday.

Last week there was a typhoon here in Taiwan and a holiday (Mid-Autumn Moon Festival) which means the gym was closed, it was raining all day long so I couldn’t go for a run outside either – I didn’t have a proper workout for almost a week. Most people probably wouldn’t suffer from this and would maybe even feel more relaxed and comfortable, but for me these days were like hell. We went swimming with my roommate once during the weekend but it just wasn’t the same. I felt actually more tired, I lacked the energy, couldn’t get myself to do anything useful, I would just lay in bed watching series all day with an “I should be studying right now” feeling – which I also couldn’t. I need the balance between mental strain and physical effort, and when one of them is missing, the other just won’t function for me either. I couldn’t concentrate nor focus, no matter how much coffee and tea I drank.

The passing of the typhoon and the beginning of the week is my new start. Actually, I realised that even though I thought I was keeping a healthy diet since arriving to Taiwan, I consumed a lot of bad, not so nutritious food, full of carbohydrates -bakeries all over town with delicious goods… At first I thought a small pastry now and then, and then everyday doesn’t count, especially that I’m regularly training, but as I’ve seen my abs slowly disappearing I has to mind myselft, that it does not work like that. I does matter what you eat and you can’t expect your body to improve and look/feel good and healthy if you don’t treat it as it deserves. And even though snacks and bakery’s products do taste delicious, if I want to look my best and get my abs back, I need to give up on them. And actually, if you’re used to eating things like this, it is damn hard to get used to proper clean eating again. I spend at least five or ten minutes everyday going into a bakery, staring at those freakin pastries hesitating whether i can ‘afford’ buying just one. The shop assistants must think I’m crazy, just standing there but that’s actually when I’m fighting these little but still so hard battles with myself. But I am proud so far, becasue since I decided to start eating clean again I always resisted. (Actually I just said no for shaved ice, which is freaking awesome and my landlord wanted to invite me for some…) I ended up buying fruits, banana or mangos or a small pack of almonds – because they are tasty as well, and yet still fit into my diet. And if I wanna see my abs more fascinating than ever, I need these decisions, I need the self resistence, I need the willpower – because I am doing it for myself only, this is my own choice.

Motivation and ispiration is the two things I find the most important nowadays. Everytime I feel insecure or down, when I hesitate I try to find something that would help me keep going – like Tumblr or the Health&Fitness category on Pinterest as an instant help. But especially since I’m in Taiwan I learned to keep my eyes open and pay attention to every little thing in life, every tiny detail I meet on the streets, in school, in gym and finding motivation all along the way. It can be seeing someone with a nice body thinking ‘I want to be like that too’ or a handsome guy thinking ‘I want to look my best so I get get him’… Or actually I know this is mean but what gives me motivation quite often is seeing how asian girls’ butt can be so flat sometimes. Everybody’s all over their figure, how thin they usually are, and there were times when I also did long for that but then I realised it also has disadvantages. And I like having a bigger butt, because there is hell of a lot work in it, and it’s not just bigger but round and hard, muscular and I’m proud of it. And I rather weigh 55kgs but still have my butt and muscular legs and shoulders and arms than being thin but completely flat and boring. I know, that a lot of guys crave them, actually most of the European and American guys have yellow fever here, which means they are all over small, thing and fragile, vulnerable girls, which makes sporty girls or just the ones with a normal bodytype feel really bad about themselves sometimes, but…

I don’t care about these guys. Everybody can think whatever they want, I don’t want anybody to like me, to like me for my looks, especially right now – all I currently want is to be satisfied with myself, prove myself that I am capable of getting better, even better than I ever was, to train hard and see my body improve. To look good but the most important to feel good.

Okay, there are some people that affect me anyway – but only in a good way. For example today as I was doing my shoulder workout in the gym a guy came up to me to talk – I noticed him before because he was following a black guy all along and I just didn’t understand why. He is quite young, just my age as it turned out and besides that big muscular guy he seems really funny. Actually it turned out that he’s studying to be a professional trainer and is eager to get to know anything in the topic, like western habits and females in the gym – they don’t see girls really training. He was really cute, but in the brotherly kinda way. Ha added me on Facebook and I found a lot of inspirational texts, captions on his page. It was just so good to see someone else who is just as passionate about these thing as I am, and who is the same age. Most of my friends here are usually minimum 5-6 years older than me and we get along well since they say I am really mature, but… They are just in another phase of life, lived those essentially important years that are still in front of me. It might just be nice to talk with someone who is like me – in that sence. He may turn out to be childish or immature but if he’s not I could even get myself a really good friend then.

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